Boy Chosen by Dalai Lama Wants to Get Laid Not Worshipped

Dalai_LamaAnimal tricks gods in Bardo realm, reincarnates as high ranking liberated monastic.

In an unprecedented feat of defiance against The White Father, a cunning Llama forced a transcription error in the Akashic records and was incarnated into the life of the Lama -Osel Hita Torres, chosen personally by the Dalai Lama as the reincarnation of a famed and highly evolved spiritual teacher.

“They took me away from my family and stuck me in a medieval situation in which I suffered a great deal,” stated Torres, who also claims to possess amazing past life memories of eating hay and sifting through mounds of shit for regurgitated food.

“It took my first twenty years in this life just getting used to bipedal walking. I think the Dalai Lama was impressed by my non-verbal demeanor and my apparent sense of disinterest in my fellow man. I guess he mistook this for the characteristics of a highly evolved prick”.

It is still unclear in the Tibetan Bhuddist hierarchy whether Mr. Torres will be allowed to skip several lower primate lifetimes and reincarnate in his next life as a man, or if he will have to trod the long arduous assent into the more highly evolved bipedal ape species one murderous, pitiful, violent and pointless step at a time.

“I love being human,” Says Torres, briefly forgetting to put his tongue back inside his lips and slowly wagging his head back and forth. “I sit around all day and people feed me. I wish I wasn’t chosen to be a monk though. But because I tampered with the Akashic records, my destiny as a Lama was sealed due only to a single letter change.”

“I think being human is closer to God than being a Llama”, says Osel, staring out over a mountainous cliff, watching his icy breath dissipate to be one with everything around him. “Recently I have been reading the Bible and I am thinking about converting to Christianity”.

Osel seems to be undaunted by the switching of religions and how this will affect His Holiness.

“being human is great, why should I care what turtle face wants? I can piss and shit on anything I want and my quest for dick, pussy, status, power and the nepotistic protection of my offspring and family are easily concealed by my extraordinary  newfound sense of self-deception and interpersonal manipulation.” He smiles widely and guffaws with his necked crooned skyward. The laugh seems like an involuntary eruption of mirth. “I couldn’t ever get away with that shit before!”

According to “The Guardian” newspaper, “At six, he was allowed to socialise only with other reincarnated souls – though for a time he said he lived next to the actor Richard Gere’s cabin.”

“Richard was just so much cooler and more…evolved than everyone else there. As I got older I realized the difference- that sly smirk of his, the way he never got bored or looked unmotivated. That bitch was getting laid!”

It wasn’t long before Torres enrolled in film school, where he explores his obsession with bestiality.

“I think there are many others just like me. This is their first incarnation as human and they don’t know how to function in society. Many become CEOs and wealthy entrepreneurs, just mindlessly fucking up anything and everything in their path for personal gain.”


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