My Mormon Experience

mooningI had an interesting run-in with a couple of Mormon missionaries recently.

A friend invited me to a barbeque at his girlfriend’s house. The house was built up with a high deck and the living room was fully windowed about 180 degrees above the driveway.

I rung the doorbell, nobody answered so I barged in on a bunch of people I had never seen before and held my six pack of beer up as if it were an admission ticket as i broke into their house. About 5 people stared at me in the kitchen with their tattoos and piercings and hard alcoholic drinks in hand. So, after awkwardly introducing myself I was told my friend was down talking to the Mormons. I walked into the living room and looked out the window to seen him down below hobnobbing with two gangly characters dressed in black and white, tie and windbreaker.

I walked down there and said hello, holding a beer in my hand. My friend was playing with them saying “Ya, I really need a good come to Jesus”, as if somehow he was seriously interested in Mormonism. The Mormon 20 year olds tried DESPERATELY to get him to their church, to save his soul. It was embarrassingly desperate. Then they turned to me, and initiated a profoundly condescending inquiry into the nature of my understanding of their faith, as if to understand what it is, is to believe it automatically. I said “oh I know all about it, there’s no way in a thousand years you could get me to your church”. I didn’t feel like bantering so I just said it outright.

Right then there was a noise from above inside the house. I looked up and there were two enormous bare white asses snugged against the window. My friends girlfriend and another guy had dropped trow to give the Mormons a show. They tried futilely to conceal their embarrassment.

My friend is fond of calling me “doctor”. And when he did in front of the Mormons, one of them looked at me puzzled and said “how did YOU become a doctor?”. There was very little preventing my hand from breaking that kids nose. Very little, except he was so bumblingly stupid it would not have mattered. I said “um, I studied really hard?” I am too non-confrontational, and people like this have nothing to be gained from this sort of confrontation. Their Mormonism is punishment enough.

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